Masturbation, my dog and Silence of The Lambs, Lego style.
This is going to be a 2-part post. Part 1 is a story that I’ve shared with Tyler, Stizzle and the CDO. Tyler’s reaction was of pure elation. He thought it was one of the greatest things he had ever heard. Stizzle’s reaction was slightly less enthusiastic, but still very amused. I think he said something to the effect of, “Why does that not surprise me.” My wife’s response, on the other hand, was of sheer shock and terror. According to her, I’m a pervert. A sexual deviant. Now obviously she’s right about that, but I’m not sure if this counts.
Without further adieu, here’s part 1 of this post:
My wife’s working a new job with sporadic, unpredictable and long hours. She might work for a week or two straight, from 10:00am in the morning and not come home until 2:00am the next morning. She’ll have a couple weeks off, a couple weeks on, you get the picture… Now obviously I miss my wife when she’s gone. She’s my rock, my partner and my best friend. Seriously. I work an 8-5 (more like 7-5:30), so when she’s working, I don’t see her. I’m in bed when she gets home, and I’m up and out of the house before she gets up. There are, however, two benefits to this scenario. The first is that I can play video games and watch sports as often as I like with no opposition. The second…well…I’d bet you can guess. I can masturbate, free of consequence, completely free of distraction and naked as day, on the couch in the living room. I can watch free porn on PS3′s internet browser until I’m blue in the face. As a married man, I’m not afforded the opportunity to jerk off, care free, but once in a blue moon. This new situation is almost like I’m having an affair with an old fuck-buddy, I’m not even kidding.
So one day (my wife’s working) I get off of work, get home and prepare to smack my dick around a little before I play some MLB: The Show. I get completely naked, I get the porn going, I have my lotion…I start going to town. Everything’s great, I’m loving it. All of a sudden I hear a scratching sound…and heavy breathing… I have no idea how I didn’t notice this before I started, but that’s beside the point. I look to my left, and my dog is on the opposite side of the couch, jackhammering the living shit out of my Angels blanket (I swear, from now on, I’m referring to it as HIS Angels blanket). I’m speechless. I’m sitting on the couch, naked, porn blasting away, with my dick in my hand while my guy is humping away without a care in the world. Here’s where the magic happened:
He stops. I had already stopped. We lock eyes. He looks at me, and I look at him. Its as if he knew…I mean I certainly knew. He gave me a look that basically said, “Well…what the fuck are you looking at asshole? You’re basically doing the same thing I am. Now stop looking at me like some pathetic zoophile and let me finish my business.”
You know what I did? I finished. He did too. Afterwards I gave him a treat and took him for a walk. I fucking love my dog.
Okay…here’s part 2 of the post. I’m going to let the video speak for itself. Really…what can I write? If I had an Oscar vote, this little piece of genius would take home the whole thing.
Also…this got me thinking. There’s an amzing song out there by a band called Greenskeepers called “Lotion.” If you’re not familiar with it, check it out. I pirated it on some MP3 site. Well worth it. AMAZING.
For Tyler, my dog and Buffalo Bill,
This is Mike Apathy signing off.